The Ultimate

Lightwater Valley, Ripon, England

It doesn't look like a coaster station, does it? More like a train station... if it weren't for the statement under the name proclaiming it as "The Biggest Rollercoaster in the World" (which is no longer true), you'd never know that you were looking at a coaster. That's only the first of many deceptions in store for the unknowing rider.

Here we see a couple of folks by the coaster. If you look up, you'll see the train cresting the first lift. It's a really long train with a little engine on the front, and it crawls over the hill, with fully half of the train nearly at the bottom of the drop before the back of the train lets go of the chain. Then you don't see it again. It seemed to go over the drop so slowly. OK, so this coaster is really big (meaning long), but it looks to behave like a scenic train ride.

So where did the train go? You search the area, and finally see the second lift hill. Look very closely at the picture above. Directly in the center of the picture, right above that middle fencepost, over the orange tree. That flat line over the treetops is the second lift. Unless you actually catch the train climbing the lift and going around the big flat curve at the top of it, you'd never know that it's back there. It's well over 100ft tall and about half a mile away. But more on that later.

Quite some time later (almost seven minutes from the time the train left the station), you hear the yells of the riders and see the train emerge from this tunnel. This is really the only track visible from the park, and the train is rocketing along at a ridiculously slow 5mph. It is so slow, in fact, that it needs another lift hill to get back up to the station (see again the picture with the child above). At this point, even those with the weakest knees have decided that they could surely handle this ride ("Look, it's a choo-choo!") And what fun to tell friends back home that they were brave enough to tackle "the T-Rex of Rollercoasters!" Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and all the kids tall enough to ride get in line. Now it gets fun.

After sitting in the train, you notice that the restraints seem a little much for a simple train ride. In addition to the lap bar you'd expect, there is a tummy pad to hold you back against the seat. It's your first clue that this thing has a few tricks up its sleeve. Leaving the station, you climb up a long lift. This takes a great deal of time, since the lift chain is unbearably slow. In the time it takes to get to the top of this hill, most ordinary coasters would've already run their entire course and loaded the next riders. All this time, however, only lulls you into a false assurance that this ride will be nice and tame. If you look very carefully at the picture (next to the tree trunk), you'll notice two things: one, that the track after the hill sits right on the ground, and two, that the drop off the hill goes down into a valley. You don't see either of these things from the ride, however. When you do finally get to the top, the train slips over the drop and starts its ground-level sprint through the English countryside.

 OK, so it's faster than you thought it would be, but hey, it's still a train ride. The track is on the ground, there aren't any drops to speak of, the train is speeding through lush scenery, and you're losing speed quickly. It's just a few short seconds until the train is crawling, and hits a set of tiny humps that make the long train wiggle like an inchworm. It's great comic relief and seems to reassure any passengers that have become worried that this is a little more intense than they wanted. "The worst is over now," it seems to say. Riders relax, laugh, and chat as the train climbs the second hill. This one is even longer than the first and is just as slow.

At the top of the lift, there are sections of flat chain to pull the train around the big curve. This process is s-l-o-w, but the extra time serves to allow riders time to enjoy the view (or to remove their bras... often, you'll find undergarments perched on the rail along this turn!). Off to the right, sheep in the adjacent farm graze bewteen hedgerows. Just ahead, the track drops into the trees and disappears. Hmm... As you round the bend, you look back to the station and discover that it's about a half mile away. You also notice that the whole trip from there to here was basically uphill. So that's why you lost speed so quickly before! That means, of course, that to get back there, things will be almost all downhill. But where is the track?

 Go ahead and look, you have plenty of time as you round the curve. All you can see is trees and the occasional snippet of track that peeks out of the forest then ducks back in.... and the station house, waaaaay down there in the meadow. After what seems like an eternity, the lead car slides over the edge and down the hill. The extra-long train gains speed much faster than on the first drop, because the front doesn't have to pull the back up the hill, only across flat track. Back seat riders are hurled over the brink like Wile E Coyote with an anvil tied to his foot. The train plummets into the forest at breakneck speed, right into a V-shaped valley that slopes back down toward the station. It screams through the trees, playing 'chicken' with low-hanging branches, all the while zig-zagging down the valley like some crazed snowboarder in the Giant Slalom finals. Curves are banked seemingly at random, with some offering super-smooth glides around the bend and others slamming riders into the side of the car and pinning them there for the duration. If you still have your wits about you, notice mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and the kids screaming like banshees, gripping the lapbar, and promising the Powers That Be a complete change in lifestyle if they can only be delivered from the beast that has them now.
Once at the bottom of the valley, the train scoots across flat land, throwing in the ossasional unbanked turn or vicious bunnyhop just to keep you alert. Speed is tremendous, since you not only dropped the hundred-plus feet from the lift hill, but also wound down the valley after that. Several turns lead to a figure-8 section with a tunnel that winds up and up and saps all the speed from the train. Re-entering the tunnel, you lose even more speed, and when you finally exit, you can see the park again. And the park can see you again. And you're going a ridiculously slow 5mph.  Somehow, over the sound of your panting breath and your pounding heart, you hear someone across the fence say, "Look, Mommy, a choo-choo! Can we ride it?" You can't help but laugh.